adversity and thoughts

"Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others."
Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It, Ensign", Nov. 2008, 27

I woke to the above in my email today. Pretty good time. Recently I have felt bombarded with stuff, you know the saying "when it rains it pours"? I spend most days feeling like I drowned. Trying to figure out how to get through it best and come out ahead. I am waiting for surgery to be scheduled this week, thats turning into a hassle thats about to make my head pop. Hopefully its done soon.
I am to train for a new job next week, hopefully surgery does not mess that up. Its a contract position again. I dont mind them though. I am still looking for something else.
Kids are enjoying summer break. They are not doing school. I hope they enjoy. I wanted to get in some fun stuff but thats not happening. Hopefully soon I can. There is not much happening. I mostly wanted to share the quote above.

thoughts- how do people see you?

After a very long, stressful, emotional tiring day I was talking to a friend about some things that had taken place, been said and emotions. I wont go into details of the day, lets just say I don't care to repeat it ever!
Anyway she said something. I answered, the conversation ended. But it got me thinking, again. I have had similar posts to this, but not quit the same. I am not one to really care what others think of me, like me or don't, be friends or not, I am a take me or leave me person. I wont change to make another happy, or to make or keep a friend, I am who I am, love me for me or stay away. Simple. I don't mean that in a mean way at all, its just who I am. I don.t believe in pretending to be something I am not to gain a friend. So that being said I was thinking "what do others see when they look at me? talk to me? see my life, family and how we live? My children? Our beliefs? us and me individually?"
So then I am thinking what kind of person do I want to be? Am I that person? If not what needs to be done to be that person?
What kind of person do I want people to see? Lets face it while I don't care what others think, at the same time I do care what they see. I wont change who I am to make a friend, but I don't want someone to see me and think I am a liar, cheater, dishonest, thief, moocher, ignorant, lazy and well you get the idea right?
So what do I want people to see? To think? and am I close to portraying that? To being that? I don't want people to think I am something I am not, I want to be real, I try to be.
So who am I, hard one that is? I am me, honest, I have a very strong testimony of The Gospel, my faith and beliefs are strong and help me decide what I do daily, guide me through each day, effecting all decisions everything I do from what I eat, drink, wear, say, where I go, entertainment, you name it. I have a strong testimony of Prayer, forgiveness, Christ like Unconditional love. I try to live the Gospel, following the commandments, Word Of Wisdom, honoring my covenants, doing as the Lord says, as the Prophets guide us, being honest with those in my life, reading my scriptures daily, putting my children first, my family first, honoring the covenants that keep me sealed to my children, holding onto hope that someday I will have a Celestial marriage again.There is so much more.
But the big question to me is do others around me see those things? Do I live life well enough that people see those things? Really truly do they? Do they see me as judgmental?Loving? faithful? Determined? As self sufficient as possible? As one with unconditional love for others> Forgiving? Believing in the Atonement? I really don't know. I would like to know, It would give me insight on what I need to do to change some areas of life, how I live.
I believe in unconditional Love for everyone, when I am not able to feel the Christ like Love Jesus would have me feel I pray, he fills my heart. I believe in forgiveness for each other, no matter what they have done, The Lord forgives all, he requires us to forgive others even when they don't ask, or even when we don't feel they deserve it, we are not the judge of others, only Heavenly Father has the right to judge. I believe in the atonement, repentance. We can be forgiven for anything we do, we should forgive those who wrong us. I believe that through Christ anyone can change, anyone can heal no matter what it is they need healed, be it physical, emotional, you name it it can be healed through the Lord.
I believe in revelation, that The Lord guides, the Holy Ghost guides, comforts, and protects us daily. That if we pray, asking for guidance we will receive answers,guidance, we just have to listen for answers. I believe in angels. The lord sends them in many forms. I think of angels as those who are there t protect us, comfort us, sometimes- usually they are humans friends and family. They are in the right place at the right time, there to help, fill a need, so if you feel prompted to reach out to another do so, you may be their angel. Today I had a couple angels, I needed badly. Long story short, I worked hard, sold lots of stuff to come up with light co money, did not have it all in time, they showed up to turn me off! I managed to get a few hours. I ended up being able to come up with the money needed. It will be paid tomorrow, I had many angels in my life today. Some I never met and hope to someday.
I believe in Celestial marriage, I also believe that if its the Lords will, and if certain people do the foot work and his part I can have it again. I know if he does the Lord will make a way, but only if he does his part, I also believe he can be healed by the Lord, if he does his part.
I believe in the Word of Wisdom, that I can be healthier, stronger and keep up if I follow it, live it. Not only the dont's but the do's. Its not just a set of rules set to tell us what not to do, its a way of eating, a diet, a healthy wholesome diet. That if followed can improve out health.
But do I show people all these things in the way that I live my day to day life? If I do on some then that's good, but if not on some then I have work to do, changes to live. Because I also believe that to enter the Celestial Kingdom I must live all these things and more(not enough blogging space to write it all) So while looking at myself I think I need to change some things. Some I am sure of, some not so much. If someone meets me and knows I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints will they think "hey they are not so bad, good people." or will it leave them thinking "ew, dishonest, don't want them in life, judgmental, lazy people"?
I hope to leave a good impression. I hope that maybe my deep beliefs will help others learn to let go of the anger, and forgive. To love another and let go of the hurts, to help offer service where they can. Service comes in many forms, not just money, sometimes so simple you don't realize its service. Maybe show another prayers do get answered, God does listen, take your problems to him, they are never to small for him to listen, for him to answer, to guide, to comfort so take your problems to him daily. What kinds of things do people do that leave an impression with you? Good and bad? What do people not do that leave an impression? good and bad?
I would love some input on this. Be nice though! some feed back and it does not have to be specific about me, it can be general, what stands out in a person? helps you form an opinion? What about a person, their lifestyle, actions help you form an opinion on a person? I know what I notice in others, but is it the same for everyone? similar what?
I am not sure I am even saying what I mean right, I will reread tomorrow, I may edit then! I can do that LOL
also I am not fishing for complements to hear how awesome I am, if you ant to tell me what things people do that affect the way you look and think of them in general, in regards to another person thats good also. I just want to know what makes a impression. I am curious to know if I come even close to letting others know what I think and believe as I go through each day, but not in a fishing for compliments kinda way, KWIM?
nite nite all!

~~ Its FRIDAY!!~~

SO what doe that mean? Nothing really. It means tomorrow is Saturday, I hope to go buy stuff to work on the porch tomorrow. Church is Sunday, and then its Monday again. I'll get in some school with kids over the weekend. I have been doing work with Sir N especially on Weekends.
So I sit here this morning, not feeling well, discouraged over a phone call from the doc yesterday, x ray results on back were not good. I go to the pain clinic and see someone who specializes and get more tests on back. I have to wait until the 5Th. Not making me happy. So I know a little of the x ray result, no details, and that they are recommending an epidural for pain. UM YA RIGHT! I skipped out on that joy while in labor, why would I do it when I am not getting a baby in return??? OK so I will talk to the doc more, and see how it works before I say no for sure. I always thought an epi made you numb and not be able to walk, so I am grasping at how that will work, I have to be able to walk, drive, chase kids, and all that fun mommy stuff, not willing to be confined to a chair! So for now I keep on going. Have my patch on(its not helping) my other meds, not helping, but oh well.
So anyway I was feeling kinda sorry for myself, the pain getting to me today. When the mail comes! Guess what I got??? Come on guess
did you guess??
not yet?
NOPE YOUR WRONG!
try again!
I got UNDERJAMS! Night wear! 1 whole pull up! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO time to party! Celebrate! I am psyched! Its just what I have been wanting!
ok serious, I did get the pull up, it did give me a chuckle, odd thing to get in the mail. But there was more....... drum roll please.........................
My Title to the van!!
Yup its all paid for, and all mine now! I have the paper work to prove it! I needed the boost! So the van is paid, another 5 years and the house will be paid for! I would love to find a small car, good on gas for errands that are just me or me and 1 or 2 people. But for now I am happy with my van!
I also had this in my email this morning. I think it fits, it reminds me on a day like today that all will be ok. I dont go into detail on my health here, I dont want to whine and complain, it does get brought up, its part of life and effects all I do. But today, and yesterday have been rough.
Miracles Do Come
"I delight in the Lord's mercies and miracles (see "Bless Our Fast, We Pray," Hymns, no. 138). I know that His tender mercies and His miracles, large and small, are real. They come in His way and on His timetable. Sometimes it is not until we have reached our extremity. Jesus's disciples on the Sea of Galilee had to toil in rowing against a contrary wind all through the night before Jesus finally came to their aid. He did not come until the "fourth watch," meaning near dawn. Yet He did come. (See Mark 6:45-51.) My testimony is that miracles do come, though sometimes not until the fourth watch.
Susan W. Tanner, "My Soul Delighteth in the Things of the Lord," Ensign, May 2008
So with that in mind I'll go through the day, knowing that eventually my miracle will come. No matter what kind, what type, the form it will.It may not be no more pain, it may be- hey it may be knowing I can get through another day, a hug from one of my babies,a flower brought in by my baby E, a bloom on one of the many bushes,trees and flowers in the yard, or my garden getting done. It may be my having enough get up and go to finish the repairs I need to do, there are many ways. It may even be in the email, the message, giving me hope, knowing it will get better. Maybe it came today!
So I will go about my day, work, and do the things I can, that need done, and remember to be greatful for what I have, what I have been given, my many blessings.
Last night I went out, did some yard work, hung up 2 bird feeders, cleaned the porch up! Walked around, found more flowers! The pile of wood on the side of the house is moved now!! The firewood off the porch! Boo was going to mow, but the mower would not start! NOT good, its new! Maybe today.
So thats bout it folks! Hope your weekends is awesome! and spring brings you hope, happiness and all that good stuffs!
Looking forward to hearing from some of you family and friends!
oh and I will be posting again today, some thought(I know scary me and thoughts AH RUN) anyway thoughts I had going through my mind on family, and stuff. Its going to take me a few to sort it and put it on paper- oh wait that would be put it on blog!no wonder its taking so long to show up!
I need to sleep or something!
love
J

The 12!

I saw this and thought it was cute,and catchy. I am thinking about having the kids learn it.

~A Best friend~A Quote~ A group of friends~A Thank you~

So yesterday due to many things was a rough day for me. I was pretty emotional. It actually started Tuesday night. I went for a walk to take a time out for myself. During my walk I called my good friend "D" She is awesome. She listened to me rant, rave, cry, sound like an idiot- all while walking around in the dark in my PJ's! She even cried with me! She is awesome. I went home feeling a little better. She then let a group of friends we have know I was struggling again. By Thursday morning when I woke up, and shortly after, as I sat and watched my email I was over ran with responses from these awesome ladies! It was awesome. They express their love and concern for me, and she had let them know I had ran out of $$, again. (This happens way to often) So some donations were also sent. Making it possible to buy pull ups, milk, and other things we needed in the house. Along with a couple other things needed. I have 3 major repairs left to do to the house. 1 I had worked out on the how, the 2nd is cleaning the pipes for the wood burning stove- I figure its warming up it can wait a little if need be, the 3rd the power line from the house to garage has to be replaced ASAP. I had a quote, seems reasonable. I had thought I could get that taken care of, but would take another month or so. Had me worried. I can now get that taken care of thanks to these awesome friends I have all over the world. Some of the responses were anonymous. I am truly grateful to these ladies and their husbands- those that have them. They have helped me many times, been my strength and support through much. Motivated me for home school issues, answered questions on it, and on life. They have been my mentours, my friends and my family. When I have felt down they cheer me, when I have felt lost, they find me, they are awesome. Sure there are times when some of them annoy me, but well lets face it we all annoy someone at one point or another. There are a few things going on I am not comfortable bringing up in public, and some of you know that, Some of you know whats up. 

I want to thank you all for being there for me, and to Thank D for being there for me. 

As I was reading emails yesterday I also had an LDS Gem come through with a quote that was perfect for the day. I am going to share it. The whole article can be read by following the quote. 

Peace during Times of Distress Posted: 25 Mar 2009 01:00 AM PDT "We know that sometimes it can be difficult to keep our heads above water. In fact, in our world of change, challenges, and checklists, sometimes it can seem nearly impossible to avoid feeling overwhelmed by emotions of suffering and sorrow."I am not suggesting that we can simply flip a switch and stop the negative feelings that distress us. This isn't a pep talk or an attempt to encourage those sinking in quicksand to imagine instead they are relaxing on a beach. I recognize that in all of our lives there are real concerns. I know there are hearts here today that harbor deep sorrows. Others wrestle with fears that trouble the soul. For some, loneliness is their secret trial."These things are not insignificant."However, [there are] two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress. I want to speak about God's happiness and how each one of us can taste of it in spite of the burdens that beset us." Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Happiness, Your Heritage," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 117–18

Quotes I love!

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be 'full-time moms,' at least during the most formative years of their children's lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part- or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."
M. Russell Ballard

"When you come to the temple you will love your family with a deeper love than you have ever felt before. The temple is about families. . . . It extends to parents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, forebears, and especially our grandchildren! This is the Spirit of Elijah, which is the spirit of family history work; and when inspired by the Holy Ghost, it prompts the turning of the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers. Because of the priesthood, husbands and wives are sealed together, children are sealed to their parents for eternity so the family is eternal and will not be separated at death."Richard H. Winkel, "The Temple Is about Families," Ensign, Nov. 2006

Peace Begins at Home 
"The most powerful workers for peace may be faithful mothers and fathers. . . . Parents who lovingly care for their own children or shelter foster children and raise them in righteousness are working for peace."

reading and learning

I am reading some new stuff these days. I have found out that the LDS Church ha an addictions program! They have a book to go along with it! So I am reading it along with some other suggested reading. I figure the more I can learn about addictions the more prepared I am to deal with Larry. Hopefully I can put all I learn to use to help with our relationship, and to help with the kids relationship with him. He is doing his part, working hard at recovery, being honest and open with me. I want him to make it back to the Temple one day, for him to have his Preisthood reinstated, I feel I need to do all I can to support him in that. If he does his part and I do mine the Lord will do his and thats the most important. I still pray constantly over what to do. Still my answers are to stay. I have found a new counceling center for the kids! I think this place will do a lot for them. The therapist knows I have not divorced and do not intend on it and she is willing to help us all work through everything that comes up. They are a Christian based center. They have worked with other families with similar situations and had them be ok in the end. I feel like this is where the Lord has guided me. 

I visit Larry as often as I can, about every other weekend. He is doing good, or as good as can be considering. He has kept himself involved in therapy and classes to help him this whole time. I see a big change in him when I see him, when we visit. He wishes more people would give him a chance to show what he is doing, that he is trying. Its frustrating at times, these guys cant do it with no support from friends and family, yet most of the time they get no support. I have really learned a lot in the past few years. Things I dont want to know. But not only about abuse, but addictions, and the way people react. I have learned more about people judging others than I care to.  The harshest have been thoe of my own faith, sad as that it. I have had more people turn their backs on me due to Larrys actions, due to my following my promptings than I thought possible. I still don't know what the future holds, or where the Lord will lead me, I take life one day at a time. I make no promises to stay married, to divorce, or ever live in the same house as Larry, I also make no promises I wont. Ideally we will work through all this, and with the help of therapists,prayer and Heavenly Father we can all find peace and healing and remain an intact family, eventually sealed together forever-again. 

Anyway back to my original topic here. I am reading LDS Addiction Recovery Program and Hold Onto Hope. I am also reading some articles here. I am posting these in hopes that maybe someone with an addiction, or someone who loves one with an addiction may read and find help, or at least find it in their hearts to forgive. I am not asking anyone to forgive Larry, you have to decide to do that on your own. But I know many that have relationships with others with addictions. Maybe you can find peace finally. There are support groups that are through the church. You can find them here.  I hope you will read, pray and ponder. I hope you will find peace and forgiveness for those in your lifes that have addictions that have hurt you. Addictions come in many forms, they hurt many people. No matter what the addiction is, be it sex,food,shopping,drugs,alcohol whatever it hurts you and those around you. I know some reading this have hurts and anger from years ago. Maybe from reading you can let it go and find happiness.

This is my prayer for those reading this.

And Many people can do some of the things that lead to addictions and not have it be a problem. We are all different.

My love and prayers to you all

Jae