Sunday, March 18, 2012

March update, trials and blessing sometimes they're the same

March is here and has brought warm weather! warm weather means park trips, lake trips, playing outside, outdor games, picnic's and lots of fun!  So far this month we have already done several park trips and last week a tip to the Lake! It was a beautiful day!  It is a busy month when the business warm weather brings seeps in and takes over life. It stays light longer and later, making bed time more difficult. Who wants to sleep before dark? Not my kids for sure! lol Loo turned 13 this month! She is now officially a teenager and a Young Woman! While this is awesome it makes me feel old! It does not feel like 13 years since I was pregnant, or since I gave birth to her. It feels like months not years!

After her Birthday Larry and I celebrated our Wedding Aniversary! 19 years we have been married. I know to many thats a surprise, many did not expect us to stay married, but we did. Our marriage is stronger than ever, he is truly my best friend! 

Soon it will be my birthday, everyone will insist on celebrating, so we will do cake and ice cream at home. 

I have discovered that using a walker makes it possible for me to walk more, and walk further. SO I now have a handy walker. It has been an adjustment for sure. It was/is and will be bitter sweet each time I use it. I don't "feel" like I need one, but ask me when I forget my body is nt working so well and I am laying on the ground, I will tell you it helps to have one. It gives me more security when I walk, if I feel like I need to sit it has a seat, if I feel like I could fall I can hold on. It reminds me of all I used to do and no longer am able. So it sadens me in that respect. But when I am able to walk at the park, lake or around the block it brings joy to my life. Aldarion saw it for the first time last Thursday. he did NOT like it, he couldnt even look at it when I pulled it out at the Mall. 

We went to the Lake the other day. Larry was playing tag with the kids, running around, laughing having a great time. I was laying on a blanket watching, unable to chase them like I used to. It was very hard, hit me hard that I may never run and chase them like I used to. My life has changed forever. I used t be a vry active and fit person. I ran every day, walked every day, chased my kids, played in the snow, water fights, tackeling the kids and tickeling them, hiking, and so much more. So many things I can no longer do, and will never do again. Now if I walk its with a walker, if it is an all day thing like the state fair or museum I am riding in a wheel chair. This is not easy to accept, it is also not what I has planned for my life. I am still young! I will be 40 the 24th of this month, and my body feels so much older. My mind does not feel old, aside from the fogginess and memory issues I suffer daily. I sometimes forget I can no longer run and will take off to run after one child or another and I end up on the ground. Watching my husband play and laugh with the kids was bitter sweet. It made me happy to watch and hear. The kids missed him when he was not home, they longed to play with dad, and now they have him every day. The love between them was awesome, I truly loved it, and am grateful to watch it, for them to have it. But it was bitter, I could not take part, I watch from the sidelines, wishing I could still chase. wanting to play like I used to. Knowing my younger children will never have memories of me running after them, playing like I used to, and the older kids will but also they have memories of the progression my body has gone through and no longer being able to chase them. 

It was hard, My husband noticed I was upset, we talked through it, I made him continue to play with the kids. I watched with many mixed emotions, yearning for the active me I used to be, knowing I will never be again. We walked the road at the lake, me and my walker. I was getting frustrated over the bumps, sticks and rocks slowing me down, but tried not to show. Instead of complaining I said to the kids "these darn speed bumps here are to keep me from going to fast and running over turtles, I think I will complain to park people" they thought it was funny, instead of complaining each time my husband helped me over a rough area I would just repeat my little Mantra "darn speed bumps!" it took some seriousness from it. 

The kids wanted to play ghost in the graveyard, and wanted me to play outside with them so badly They wouldn't let up until I did. I discovered it is a game I can play! The biggest problem is it is dark, it is hard to walk on bumpy ground for me, so I get a flashlight to light my way!  Since there is no running in this game it is perfect for me to play with the kids. Heavenly Father provided a way for me to play actively with my children, and I am so grateful for that. I was only able to play a short time. All the kids wanted a turn to hide and have me find them while I played. So they swapped turns to hide making sure each had a chance before I had to stop. When I was done they all hugged me tight, and told me how nice it was to play and how much they love me and enjoyed it. It was nice. It was not running after them, but I played outside with my kids, and it was a game they all love. Everyone but my 15 yr old played. My 6,8,10,and 13 year old played. 

I am blessed daily and so grateful. It is not easy to be chronically ill, it changes so much in life, it changes how I parent daily, but if I stop and watch, listening close the Lord always gives something to replace the things I have lost due to my health. I know he knows me, my pain, needs, and he fills my heart. He comforts me when I am down, he walks with me, carrying my burdens so I am not carrying the weight alone. I am truly grateful for this, more than words can say!

I will be posting pictures in a few minutes of the kids, Lary, maybe me and our fun we have had!