Tuesday, December 28, 2010

more on Christmas, ramblings, thoughts,

warning this may not be in the correct order, and posts of our Christmas may over lap in info, be repeated as part of my ramblings, but I have a point lets hope I dont forget it before I get to it!
The Healing, the Blessings brought with Christmas this year. I dont know if all my children are aware of how much healing happened this year, I think some are more aware than others and some healed more than others. I felt prompted in my approach this year, and I know The Spirit guided all of us involved in deciding how Christmas would be. I am grateful for this so very much.
Christmas has been for the kids and I since 2006. We have struggled financially and emotionally each year. This year we did things different. I talked to each kid a few months before Christmas and we all decided to do only home made gifts. I never ever dreamed of the change, significant healing, joy, love, and view it would bring. I have written some already but there is more on a more Spiritual Level I think. I debated putting more on here, but its bee my place to share from the start in our trials and growth, and in the end I feel some may need to hear it for whatever reason. I also thought of you that have been there for me in the beginning and through it, helping, praying, listening, and even many cried with me would like to hear some very good, healing, Christmas we had. Since 2006 we have had one struggle after another, when I look at it all I sit in disbelief that so much could happen to 1 family, I often wonder how, why,what I did, what makes my family have so many struggles? I do not know that I will ever know, I do know that even through the struggles we have the good, and if we look hard enough even if they are small the good moments out weigh the rest. Our Christmas reminded me of a lot. I know we have struggles still ahead, I wait on disability still, health thats so up and down I dont recognize myself or life most days, but there is still good. I have my children. My biggest struggle right now is in my health keeping me from Church, It drives me nuts, saddens me, leaves my cup needing filled. The weeks we make it I feel so much better after- Spiritually. I plan to go weekly, and we do or dont, depending on me, or if someone is sick. Sometimes I think of going and leaving sickies home with someone else, I have done it a few times. But it feels wrong, I am mom, mom should care for the sickies, so home I stay. Someday maybe it will change, I pray it does. And each week in my mind I renew covenants. I am not there to get the Sacrament, but I can renew myself in prayer. Its not the same but its what I have.
So onto more of Christmas, part of this is rewritten, hope your not bored!
We had some touch n go moments right up to Christmas Eve. The kids and I had been working hard on gifts, distracted us and helped us focus on what we are celebrating. I had 1 that did not do so well and after some very tearful upsetting moments things were calm again and I chose to just look past it,deal with had to be dealt with and ignore my emotions over it or try to as best as I could and go on. I spent about 24 hours sobbing off and on due to things, and had some strong emotions over things myself earlier in the week. But nothing that got in my way of anything for the most part.
Christmas Eve we had a tree finally,Boo had bought one the day before. We decorated it Christmas Eve. We only had a few decorations out this year. I didnt push the kids on decorating due to emotions that run high when we do. Many memories of Larry come up, all wonderful but it reminds us of the hole we feel daily. So we only did a few, we decorated the tree when everyone was ready, Christmas Eve. Its a real one this year, its in a LARGE pot, with dirt, we hope it will live. Been reading on how to make it and we are trying to keep it alive. We will see. Friday I was still crying off and on, emotions over events of week and past, and future. Still felt Christmasy most of the time, when I didnt I'd have a good cry, and move forward prayerfully.
All the kids said it was the best Christmas since 2005, the last Christmas before Larry's arrest. They all plan on making gifts from now on, starting early in the year!
As I was working on something I was doing some art work, something I have not done in a while. I needed to go to the store and Boo said to me "NO dont stop to go, I will go Your actually coloring, doing crafts, art, I missed it, you have not in so long and you are again and your enjoying it, please dont stop let me go" I was shocked, it sounded nuts, as I wrapped my mind around it out the door he went to the store, I looked at nanna and told her what he said. Her response "Its the small things mom, you dont realize how much we notice, you stopped when dad was arrested, we miss it, you dont craft alone or with us, when you do some small project you dont enjoy it" I was shocked, but the reality hit me, they were right. All I could do is say "are you serious, it made that much difference? you noticed and I didnt? what else?" she said "another day mom"
And so I cried more but a good/bad cry, make sense? healing I think, and I continued my projects. I have pics I plan on sharing. Some are not as good as it once would have been but thats ok.
And with that I have realized I need to do more, keep doing art projects, put more fun into life and school. We did more projects this month than the last 4 years! sad but true, but it filled holes we have had. It was healing. Even though I had many emotional moments myself, and then a major melt down from A that almost took over, but we made it through. we have talked several times since and worked through a lot, but there is more to go.
So we only had a few new gifts, donations of which were needed clothes and blankets. but they had several homemade gifts and loved them. My mom did silly gifts also, she drew a picture of an elephant and glued a Q tip to it for boo, who when younger told a tale of a pet elephant that was killed by a Q tip. It was so funny and a family memory. He giggled over it. I made a few style book marks and other things
We made no candy this year either, we have done so much in the past but not this year, we also did not make pie for Christmas as usual. We had the Turkey and stuff but it was so relaxing. We were up early did gifts, breakfast. Had a late Lunch and just hung out. The kids played games. I had managed to take $20.00 to good will and found several new games for way cheap I bought the kids from santa, family gifts. they played games, and we lounged. It was healing.
So the week was good, emotional but good. The Holiday was good. My flannel board turned out great! I have left overs to keep making stuff. I went into the Salvation Army and they had 2 large boxes full of material, for $3.00! I bought both when I got home and sorted it had several patterns for adorable pillows and other things, cut outs for flannel boards- patterns, some craft stuff, a lot. The Lord saw me coming, guided me actually because its a store I NEVER go to.
We have a lot happening over the next few months. The kids have a lot to do for school, and I have decisions to make, but I know we made a major step this Christmas, I know the Lord worked a miracle here, he helped heal some very hurt, scared little spirits, he answered my prayers beyond what I asked or imagined. We were blessed in many ways.