Thursday, August 19, 2010

You might have Narcolepsy if you...........

If you can use a book to amuse yourself for hours without even opening it.

If your TV only has commercials.

If the first place you check for missing items is the fridge.
If you stop mid-sentence twice a day to say "Oops! Forgot to take my meds!"
If you require an interpreter to talk to people who speak your native language.

If your college professor counted you absent because that one day your eyes were actually open and he didn't recognize you.

If you often awaken with strange imprints on your forehead from things such as a computer keyboards.

If 2 + 2 = 22 makes sense to you.

If you remember 100% of what you studied in the textbook (yes, the first 3 paragraphs on page one) and forgot to go to class to take the final exam (you could swear you had class on Thursday, not Wednesday).

If your right hand really DOESN'T know what your left is doing (and neither does the rest of you).

If one of your regular weekend chores is searching your house for randomly misplaced items.

If you answer the phone with "I um yeah um hello? Did I call you or did you call me?"

If your co-workers take turns for tapping you.

If your side of a conversation consists mostly of "And then...wait, I think I was...what was I gonna say?"

If, when you see a spider on your wall, you envy his ability to keep moving, but realize he is probably really a figment of your imagination.

If people tell you to sit down before they give you good news.

If you have a clock on every wall in your house and all of them are purposely set ahead to different times so you'll always think "It's time to go!"

If you've never seen a whole feature film, but appreciate the longer ones because you actually wake up before it's over and you can see the end.

If you're over 12 and you still make someone check under the bed for monsters before you go to sleep at night.

If your pharmacist is first on your speed dial.

If as a child, you thought Sleeping Beauty was a true story.

If you use your driver's license to regularly check the spelling of your name before signing a check or formal document.

If you have a 10 hour or more delay on memory retrieval.

If you have memorized or carry in your wallet a list of "Why I'm Late for Work" excuses for 250 days of the year plus one for leap year.

If you have to put lunch on your "to do" list.

If you've trained your dog to turn on the coffee maker, pull the covers off you in the morning when your alarm goes off, and prod you into the shower.

If you have more than 3 sticky notes on your bathroom mirror daily and one of them says "Don't forget to read your sticky notes".

If you tell the other people in your office that snoring is part of a new form of yoga you are practicing that relaxes and frees the creative centers of your brain.

If you've forgotten your own birthday.

If you feel like you're trapped inside an invisible time machine that thrusts you forward in time in random 2 hr spurts.

If "yawn" is a four-letter word in your house.

If "NIGHT is to DAY as SLEEP is to ____" sounds like an unsolvable riddle.

If you function better when you are under the influence of amphetamines.

If your weight loss is linked to memory loss.

If you can fake people out that you're bilingual by reciting the names of your medications.

If you can remember to call your doctor, but you can't remember why.

If Santa Claus hits your house around noon on Christmas because that's when you're most likely to be unconcious.

If you can never answer a phone call because getting one excites you so much you have a seizure and can't pick up the receiver.

If you carry pamphlets around in your purse or pockets about the symptoms of Narcolepsy and wear a bracelet that says on the
front "If I fell and appear unconscious, read pamphlet #1. If it was a slow drop-off that started with eyes crossing, read pamphlet #2. If I am screaming about demons, read pamphlet #3 (if you can catch me)." And on the back, it says, "This is not a joke. It is a medical condition."

The pamphlets read:

(#1) "Hi, my name is ______. I have narcolepsy. One symptom is cataplexy. You've just seen it demonstrated. Be patient. This will pass."

(#2) "Hi, my name is still _____. I still have narcolepsy. One symptom is EDS (extreme daytime sleepiness) that occurs at
inappropriate times. You have just seen it demonstrated. Be patient. This will not pass, but it does not help to be impatient. It increases my heart-rate, but does not increase my alertness."

(#3) "Hi, my name will always be ______. I will always have narcolepsy. One symptom is hallucinations. You have just seen it
demonstrated. This will probably pass, but I would not wear black if you are going to try to touch me. Be patient and stand still so I can distinguish you from the flame-throwing demon."

A fourth pamphlet says "Hi, I've forgotten my name. I have narcolepsy. I forgot to take my medication or I took too much
because I thought I forgot to take it. Please dial this number: 1-800-LOSTAGN and report my whereabouts. If my eyes are glazed over, please hold my hand."

If when you go to the grocery store, in order to save time and energy, rather than filling your own cart, you simply look
for "abandoned" carts that are already full and head to the farthest check-out counter.

With tongue in cheek, you realize that you would be just as surprised at the bill and items on your receipt if you had spent an hour in the store filling the cart yourself, and you would be equally unable to explain to your spouse why you bought the items in the first place, but your spouse is so glad that you returned in less than 3 hours that no argument is made.

If at your wedding, your neurologist walked you down the aisle to help officiate your wedding by hooking you up to an EEG machine to verify that you were consciously entering into a holy union.

If a make-over includes buying new clothes, getting your hair cut, and changing medications (not necessarily in that order).

If your entire day was filled with "deja vu" sensations, so you set up your camcorder to watch yourself.

If, while watching the video from your camcorder, you get an even stronger sensation of deja vu and notice there is another video on top of the TV labeled with today's date.

If your significant other walks in and is only slightly shocked to find you sitting on the couch watching a video of yourself sitting on the couch watching a video of yourself sitting on the couch, and he too experiences a bit of deja vu as he runs back to the medicine cabinet.

(Okay....these are getting ridiculous....I better stop! Getting sleepy from laughing....oh one more.)

If you reread this entire thread periodically and come to something that really cracks you up because it sounds so much like you! laugh and scroll back up to see who wrote it. You did, of course. Lol.

If your mother proudly announces to her friends that you said you first complete sentence the same day you came home from the
hospital!! You were 23 years old, and the doc had given you samples of a stimulant medication.

If you miss your bus for the 3rd time while waiting at the bus stop.

If the smoke alarm is the only indicator that your food is cooked.

If you don't even know you are multitasking.

If the only kitchen appliances you are allowed to operate are the coffee maker and the microwave because they turn themselves off.

If while driving, you stop at a stop sign and wait for the light to turn green.

If your local supermarket brings you a chair as soon as you hit the checkout lane.

If your main concern about falling asleep in public is making sure your undies aren't showing.

If your five year old tucks you in at night.

If you have a clause in your will to hold your body for three days just to be sure.

If you've learnt just to smile when others say "oh I get tired too".

If your bed salesman only gives you a 3 year guarantee on a 10 year guaranteed mattress.

If you have a cataplexy turn during foreplay but your significant other continues - they know you'll be "back" in a couple of minutes.

If the toilet becomes a private sanctuary for a quick nod.

If you fall asleep at a wedding (and its yours).

If your first near death experience was falling asleep in mashed potatoes (true for me).

If you bed is NEVER made.

If you've ever been so tired that you can't sleep.

If anyone has ever said to you with sudden angry conviction, "You know what your problem is? I'll tell you what your problem is!!! You're always sleeping!" and you said, "What? I forgot to mention that? What did you think 'narcolepsy' meant?" and pointed to your tattoo. "That's not my mother's name."

If you've ever given someone a dirty look for humming a lullaby at work.

If your children have to tell you to get out of their bed so they can get in and go to sleep.

If you brace your chin and make sure something is behind you anytime you sit in public because you know in 8 seconds you will be sitting with your head titled back and your mouth wide open as everyone around you tries not to stare.

If you watched the movie "50 First Dates" and thought it was the story of your life; after watching the movie you can even remember the car accident and the cow, but you are still in search of Adam Sandler.

If your pets appear to have Narcolepsy, because they have been trained to be on their owner's sleep schedule.

If the justice system has ordered you never to appear as a witness for the rest of your life (all those false 911 calls - "Yes! You've got to help me! There's a tall Caucasian man in my room with a knife and a rubber ducky! He's...oh never mind. He vanished.").

If While laughing, you fall down in front of your friends and look at them like they're the weird ones (because it's a normal occurrence for you).

If your Brita pitcher has only had a half an inch of water in it for three days because you just don't have the energy to "make" water.

If your spouse has put a lock on your car door that requires you to punch in a code and doesn't tell you that code.

If your spouse checks off the days on a calendar beside your bed before you wake up so you know what day it is.

If you go to the grocery store two days in a row and buy exactly the same things.

If when you get home, you realize you already bought all those things, and as you are getting ready to take them back, you wake up, check the fridge, and none of those things are there.

If After all that, you go to the store, buy those same things "again", check them off on your list as you go, get home,
unload your car and realize you bought none of the things on your list. And then you probably wake up again, but you're not really sure.

If, instead of laughing at my post, you resist the urge to check the fridge because if you get up, you'll have to pee first, and by the time you are done, you'll have forgotten anyway so what's the point.

If you find a way to include Narcolepsy in all of your homework assignments because it is the only thing that fascinates you enough to give you a good chance at completing your homework.

If people think you have OCD, because you run to the bathroom three times after you use it in order to check whether you flushed or not. In actuality, you have gotten yelled at often enough about not flushing because you were so exhausted you lost track of what you were doing, and so you have trained yourself to go back once to check to see if you forgot, the second time you check is to make sure you were not just in a microsleep where you dreamed that you checked, and the third was because you couldn't remember if you checked or not.

If you're driving to work one day and realize that you're half way to the job you had 10 years ago, not your current job.

If you have to go outside with your dog so that you remember to let him in.

If your family is constantly asking you in exasperation "Are you sure you took your meds?"

If your neighbors are always giving you strange looks because you drive by your house and have to turn around and come back to park in your drive.

If you keep Deodorant in your purse because you forget to put it on half the time.

If you can't figure out what the big deal is about sleeping around, you've done it for years!

If you threaten your kids that you're going to go to sleep if they don't shut up, and it works.

If you refuse to buy anything without a "Snooze" button.

If your man left you for someone with a cleaner house.

If you've been trying to get in touch with Mary Poppins so she can do that "Spit Spot" thing to your entire house.

If Julie Andrews has had you arrested for stalking.

If you are the envy of all your friends because all you have to do is take a nap and dream of a vacation in Aruba.

If time outs in your house mean that instead of your kid standing in the corner for 15 mins, you take a 15 min nap!

If Mr. Sandman was your prom date.

If you know all the Serta Mattress sheep by first name.

If you have to make an appointment with yourself to remember to make your appointment, and then you forget whether or not to make a reminder call to remind yourself to remind you, or to just remind yourself that you remembered.

If you totally understand the previous statement and remembered that you have an appointment tomorrow at 5:00pm and you forgot to remind yourself.

Dammit, you're not having a delusion of grandeur! YOU REALLY ARE THE KING OF NODDINGHAM!!

If you are absolutely positive you paid that bill, you remember it vividly, you can even tell what cheque number and everything, only to discover that the cheque is still in the book and there is nothing on it.

If you can eat dinner and five minutes later have no idea what you just ate or if you ever did.

If the statement "I have so much to do right now I'd better go to sleep." makes perfect sense.

If you plan your schedule around your medications - ex: I have 5 pills left, that is enough for 5 lazy days, or 2 days of sleep and 1 lazy day, and 1 productive day, or enough for 2 productive days and 1 lazy, then the rest I will be unconscious until I can find someone to pick up my meds.

If you can fall asleep on a roller coaster.

If you are found paralyzed at the end of a roller coaster ride.

If you have to check the light 2 or 3 times to be sure it really is green before you go.

If you have eliminated cheerful and dramatic people from your life for safety purposes.

If your place of employment has had several meetings of top management to create a policy on naps.

If you keep a sleeping bag hidden under your desk.

If your dog brings you a treat for remembering to let her out to pee.

If being paralyzed regularly is normal and you are shocked when you realize that not everyone experiences this.

If you take a drug and experience being awake for the first time in a long time (if ever) and think that being awake is the most novel thing on this earth.

If you take a drug and are able to remember the entire drive to work.
If you have to paint eyeballs on your eyelids so the kids think you're awake.
If you have to hit the buzzer on the cordless phone so you can remember where you used it last.

If your neighbors can't tell whether you're home or not, even when they're talking to you.

If your dog has potty trained himself on the toilet and has figured out how to operate your treadmill.

If the phrase "rest home" sounds like heaven.